.prettehkittehmagdalena.: 2012

wet behind the ears has been a favorite blog of mine since the beginning. She has the greatest and mot unique taste in photography, music, and art. She also always displays great quotes of wisdom and shares just enough of her intimate life without crossing the line of T.M.I. as some bloggers do (i.e. 14 year old girls in Argentina blogging about their eating disorders. tragic.)

Wet behind the ears has now switched to http://kathrynsora.tumblr.com/, which also displays the sub-title, "Light will someday split you open." This phrase definitely describes her style and love for growth and positivity, a characteristic that has always attracted me to keeping up with her blog. Anddd, once again, today I stumbled across some amazing pictures and music. Thus, I must share.

Music-

Photos-

Quote-

"And the day came when the need to remain closed became more painful than the risk to open.”

Fun-

Last night I slept terribly. It was the on the surface type sleep where I never really fell asleep, I just almost did like 80 times. Sleep and my mind were playing with me with sleep wagging its tale in front of my face and my mind batting it away with annoyance. This type of sleep brings me back to my insomniac days in high school. Right when I would get comfortable on one side of my pillow, I realized I had been in that position way too long and had to move either to the other side or on my back. No sleeping position was the one to put me to sleep and instead I would toss and turn every night hoping for that one last thought or that one last stable breath that I would never remember when I wake up.

Sleeping lately has been a challenge. Its the time when everything that could go wrong in the future, all the fears, assumptions, and judgements about myself and the ones that I convince myself people make about me sit in my brain like they are in a big pot. Stirring and stewing. Going to the bottom of the pot only to float back up again in the forefront of my brain. Many of these thoughts are probably only half truths, criticisms, over dramatizations that I construct and over analyze that only brings more negativity and more loss. What a cycle.

I had dream last night I sort of remember that seemed to go on for hours but really probably lasted 5 minutes. It relates to a movie I saw recently called 'Melancholia.' Its the movie where another planet hits the earth. The last scene is the one that I think about the most often. When the three main characters are sitting on the golf course holding hands in a circle and waiting for the planet Melancholia to hit.

In my dream we are in Paris. Well, my friend holly and I are in paris. There were other people there but I don't remember who they were. I just remember holly was with me most of the time. Everyone around us was not freaking out, I was obviously the one freaking out the most. We saw on the t.v. that a planet was definitely going to hit earth. All of a sudden we were in a van driving with people packed in the van. I told holly to look around her shoulder where she could see the blue planet clearly approaching earth. I said I had to call someone and holly said not to, she said it wouldn't help anything. It would only make things worse. There was nothing we could do now. I called my mom. She said to me, "Maggie, I don't know if you can see what I can see here on the tv, but it doesn't look good." All I said back to her was, "mom, I love you so much. I love you so much. You are the most important person to me in the world. You were the best mom." And she said back to me, "Maggie, this is life. Life is so short. And life is so good in this way. Life is so good to us."

While I lay awake thinking about this dream right after, it made my heart beat fast because of the fear of this happening. the finality of life if something that epic has the possibility of happening in my lifetime. My first thought was extreme fear and anxiety over what I would do, how I would try to save myself, who I would call. But almost at the exact same moment, it made me feel the most extreme sense of ease. More than I have felt for months if ever. It was like the closest glimpse of what some call enlightenment I have had in my life. Enlightenment is a big word to use, I know, but I feel like it can be appear in several levels and extremes.. Its also the only word I feel describes it. Which is interesting to have after such an intense dream. I was looking out my window with a little sun shining in when this moment happened. and I felt this overall ease over my life and how ridiculous my problems are. How important certain things are to me. How life itself is so simple and so easy. My brain was perfectly clear. Nothing has ever looked so simple and clear about life than in that moment. And just like that it was gone again.

I will make it a goal to find this moment of ease more often. To remember what is most important to me. That if I knew I was going to die within that hour, who I would think of, what would be important and most forefront in my mind. Find the present moment to have gratitude and to not fear anything else. let the energy and/or higher power of this world relieve me of the shame of the past and the fear of the future and think of only this moment with gratitude. to think of how silly life is.... and breath.

And just because I relate my whole life to movies, I think the last scene from American Beauty, the last quote Lester Burnham says about gratitude expresses how I felt in that moment and is also a great reminder of the important things in life. god i love the movies. Thanks Lester :)